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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Terrible Tuesdays: Two out of Three

I know it's not Tuesday. Don't be pedantic.

I'm about to get really real with you all. This is the straight dope, straight from me. I'm not looking for pity or empathy or anything at all, okay? My blog is for me to express myself and you can take it or leave it or not read it or whatever. I don't really care.

So for a while my blog title was very inaccurate. I have a job, one that is maybe not perfect or terribly fulfilling, but "no job" is definitely not true. I'm not homeless, and my lease on a new apartment starts in 4 weeks. And until today, I was in a relationship.

Well, obviously, I'm no longer in a relationship. And it should be known that I am not writing this as payback, or revenge, or anything; this isn't about one person. This is about my role in relationships.

I think I've figured something out today, as a result of this break up. When I like someone, I like them wholeheartedly. When it boils down to it, what I am searching for in life is a person--not an ideal, not a candidate that fits everything I wrote on that list I made when I was 15. Maybe this person will be a forever-person; maybe not. But if I like someone, that is it, whether they are right for me or not.

But here's the issue: because I like someone, I will overlook their flaws. And I don't mean snoring, or being messy, or hating my favorite food. I mean that I will overlook basic things about them that make us incompatible; things they would have to change for us to be together in the long run. Things like smoking, or living far away, or not being reliable. Those things are "deal breakers" and I somehow refuse to deal with them head on. I guess I think the person will change? Or maybe my priorities will? And what it kind of resembles, to me, is settling. Maybe there just isn't a "perfect person" and maybe "all relationships have problems" and because I like this person, it will all turn out okay in the end.

So what I'm saying is, I don't think I give myself enough credit. I am awesome. I am! But history tells me good people are hard to find, and chemistry is harder, and good timing is, like, non-existant. And so I become happy with what I do have, even if I get those little feelings in the back of my mind that say, this isn't quite right. And then my brain responds that, well, okay, but it's good for now, right? But why do I ignore that voice? Even if I only hear it once or twice, is my subconscious not worth listening to?

Here's something interesting--I've never been the dumper. I've always been the one who was broken up with. Yes, I have stopped "seeing" people, but in any relationship that has lasted longer than a few dates, I am always the person who is dumped. Now, I haven't had many relationships, so this could be nothing. But I think it's worth taking a closer look. Maybe I don't like hurting people, or I'm afraid to be alone again. Or maybe I don't think I will ever find anyone perfect for me. I just don't know.  

In any case, though, I'm going to be fine. Listen, guys, I'm pretty resilient. I can't say that I wouldn't mind getting the heck out of this tiny town for a little bit, and luckily I'm going on a little mini-vacation next weekend. But yeah. That's what's up. This is what's happening. Straight up.

Thanks for reading.

(AND FOR THE RECORD, this is general and is about multiple relationships I have had in my past. And, finally, this is about ME--not anyone else.)

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