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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Many Hats

Well, like I said, things are already getting interesting at my job. Today the health inspector came in, and since we serve food that is not wrapped--bagels, scones, and muffins!--we need to cover our heads. As I was told, we can wear "hats, hairnets, or scarves" to cover the "top and sides" of our hair. I think the point is really, "when your dang long hair inevitably falls out, we don't want it in our stuff, 'kay, thanks, bye." 

And so I searched through my supply of headwear to find some suitable options, since this is pretty much an everyday thing now. I figured out one or two a million options that are perfect hilarious. And I documented them for your enjoyment.

(Also, my blog had a record number of hits in the past 24 hours! 200+! Whaaat.)

You're about to see so many pictures of my face.


1. My first attempt is the classic bandanna tie. Favored by housewives for many years, it's benefits come from it's ease and ability to hide larger-than-normal ears. Works best with a messy updo, aka the only kind I know how to do, really. Cons include catching your hair in the knot, and its tendency to slide off the back of your head at the worst moments. Also, you can't go from wearing said style to NOT wearing it without acquiring terrible bandanna-hair.
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2. The close cousin of the classic bandanna tie is next; I call it the Rosie, after the ever-popular feminist and overdone icon, Rosie the Riveter. Ironically (or maybe not-so), this makes me feel like I "can do" this hairstyle with minimum effort and minimum weirdness. People might mistake me for a roller derby contestant, but I'm mostly okay with that. Again, the cons are that I will definitely end up with a lot of short bits of hair from ripping this off after my shift, and it's more than a bit costume-y.
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3. I like to call this style the MK&A, which my HS friends should surely be able to recognize. I'm not-so-subtly referring to our "fake" obsession with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. This look alludes to their 1999 straight-to-VHS hit, Passport to Paris. We all rocked the head scarf style that year, and I feel like I'm still 12 most of the time in Athens, so it seems to be an apt choice. I chose the sweet pink bandanna for this one, because pastels were SO in that year. Also, die-hard fans should be able to recognize my attempt at MK's duck smile in the photo on the left. (But Ashley will forever be taller, prettier, blonder, and sluttier.)
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4. Our next selection is the most obvious choice: the baseball cap. I have never been a big fan of baseball caps (obviously except the one I'm rocking here, and also in my FB propic, from my favorite bar). I think you can tell how I feel in the larger photo, although I keep laughing when I look at it. If I wear a cap to work, people would have a better day because they would be like, why is this girl so awkward? It's just a cap! In the series of photos, I attempted to make this cap better by adding a ponytail, and practicing asking, "Fries with that?" Oh, I mean, "Do you want room for cream?"
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5. Since we are moving into winter, I decided to throw my winter hats into the mix. This fabulous toboggan comes from my summer camp, and while I am not sure it's appropriate to wear to work, I do think it's the perfect style to wear at a coffee house. Because coffee = chilly weather = skiing = cold ears...do you follow? Mostly I think my head looks huge. Also the CL is off-center.
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6. While we are on the subject of winter hats, I put this guy on. It's never been my favorite hat, although it is warm as sh*t. Like, too hot. The issue comes from the weird fold, which makes me look like underneath I have a Neanderthal brow ridge. Also, sometimes I can't really see, when I wear it. All in all, this is not my favorite hat, still. Man, this is riveting stuff.
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7. Next up we have a hat purchased for me by my father when he learned that I had started running in college. The rationale was that I needed a warm, reflective hat for outdoor winter running. Which is exactly what this is. I wore it mostly when I was living in Queens and couldn't afford to replace my earbuds so I bought really cheap ones from Duane Reade that wouldn't stay in my ears. This hat kept them in, baby! But I think we can see the obvious problem with wearing this hat to work. Problems, I mean. Namely, where is his/her hair?
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8. Before we get back to the bandannas (oh yeah), I have to revisit the baseball cap. When I showed my attempt at sporting a baseball cap to my mom, she suggested I try it backwards. I am a diplomat in my heart, so I did. I felt like I was in 1997. It compelled me to make the face on the left in complete seriousness. (Note, we went to this conference in Richmond, VA, in 1997, there was this kid who wore a perfectly curled baseball cap, backwards, and he would smooth it over his long-ish hair when donning it. BAM--11-year-old Natalie was absolutely floored. Head over heels in love.)
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9. I promised you we would revisit the bandanna, and also we are going to revisit my mother's (excellent) suggestions. She made me this "hat" out of a bandanna. I think it makes me look like a sushi chef, especially with the added effect of the color of this scarf (it's a map of NYC!). The idea is to have something that is easy to take on and off. As you can see by my faces, I'm just not really sure this look is working for me. Maybe if I were filleting fish... 
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10. Around this time my self-indulgent fashion shoot was interrupted by a big dalmatian who wanted some attention and then to pee on my slipper. It's fun having a forgetful, mostly blind, mostly deaf, large dog around who can't really control his bladder. Good thing he's cute. And funny--he has hip problems so when he walks, he looks like he's drunk.
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11. So what my dog Simon was actually trying to tell me was that I was ridiculous. So I decided to model this visor I took from my friend's boyfriend. I think it's super hipster and the most hilarious thing in the world. My fashion-foward NY roommate Celeste absolutely hates this visor and tried to throw it out several times. A visor is, unfortunately, not an option at the coffee shop because there is nothing on top of the head. This is just for funsies. Also I got a beer, because why not.
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12. Now, I'm not really sure if this type of headband is permissible or not--it seems like it would be a grey area. However, I decided I should try everything, which is why you are currently reading this huge list. My main issue with these headbands is that I can't figure out if the ear goes under it or over it. You can see in the photos that I tried both ways--one makes me look like I'm sporting some type of earwarmer; the other makes me look like I have sticky-out ears. The obvious solution is to wear my hair down, which, again, is a grey area. These dang headbands! 
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13. You know, I pretty much forgot about my extensive beret collection! Obviously we have many, after 10+ years of French classes, a 9-month working vacation in Paris, and my mother's aesthetics. In these photos I tried to emulate the French, and I think I nailed it in the black beret with the side braid. Doesn't that just scream sexy-but-snotty Parisienne? It's quickly becoming my favorite photo of myself, maybe ever...anyway, both are solid choices, maybe a little overdone, but then again, I'm usually a little overdone. Wait, what?
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14. This is my go-to hat for winter, actually. I also have a felt cloche, but the brim is a little low for everyday stuff. So this is it, my cashmere beret. Initially I was reluctant to consider this one, because it is cashmere, and I tend to get coffee everywhere at work. No, really. However, it's my favorite neutral color, it's soft and comfy, and I look so good with this side braid that I started hating on myself in the pic on the right! Also, I think it's the law to have someone wearing a slouchy hat at a coffee house, isn't it? Clich├ęs for everyone!
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15. In the end, this is probably the style I will be rocking most often. Even though I kind of feel like a lollipop, and also that my chin is weirdly angular. And my eyes are not symmetrical. I think I've officially looked at too many photos of myself tonight. Hopefully you don't feel the same...yikes.
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That was a lot of work. I hope I'm prepared for tomorrow. It's like the hat world is my oyster...or whatever. Feel free to vote for your favorites and/or make fun of me and my awesome facials in the comments or on the facebook. And also, COME VISIT ME AT WORK. Unless it's busy. Then buzz off or put yo' money in the tip jar. PEACE.

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